This Shabbat finds me alone in Sanibel. Vickie is in San Francisco looking after her wonderful 102-year-old mother. If I must be without her on Shabbat, I can think of no better reason. There is no service to attend…certainly not one to rush to be there in time to conduct. I am retired.

I prepared a simple Shabbat meal for myself, tasty if I may say so, but nothing close to the feasts that Vickie prepares week in and week out. Our meal begins with the traditional blessings over the candles the wine and the challah.  When we finish, and it is time to go to synagogue, we blow the candles out so as not to risk a fire burning down our house, but not in step with our religious tradition.

But this week there is no need to blow the candles out. This week, although I am alone, I find company in the beauty of the Venetian glass candle sticks Vickie bought before we were married and in the beauty of the softly dancing flame of the tapers.

When I conducted Erev Shabbat (Friday evening) services) I sometimes resented having to rush through our Shabbat meal and get to the synagogue well ahead of service time to be sure that l was ready for worship. I used to ask myself each week, “Why, after 50 years of doing this, do I still get nervous before every service I conduct? I took comfort in telling myself it was because I wanted to give my very best to whoever came – whether there were few or many – to worship.

Tonight, I have nothing to be nervous about. I can read a book, drink a leisurely cup of Chamomile tea, go to bed early and not be all keyed up like I am when I come home from conducting services and asking myself inwardly whether my efforts were successful or not. Did the time and preparation I put into the service pay off in a meaningful experience for those who were there?

Lately I ask myself the “Did I make a difference” question in the macro sense after leading worship for more than fifty years, in my student pulpit in Arkansas, in Columbia, Maryland, in Nashville, in West Hartford in my travels around the World with the World Union for Progressive Judaism, in my subsequent work in Milan, Florence and various parts of Germany, and for the last six years here in Sanibel. I am grateful for the appreciation tributes I have received from each of the congregations I have served. They comfort me, but they don’t quench the feeling that maybe there is more I can do.

One thing I have learned: to take satisfaction in the effort I put forth. And now …I am happy I can really rest on Shabbat without pressure, without nervousness, but part of me wishes I was still standing before a group of worshippers sharing the fruit of my many years of study. One of my favorite sayings is,” We have all been expelled from the Garden of Eden.”  Life is never perfect. 

As Kohelet (Ecclesiastes 3:1) teaches us, “There is a time for everything.” For me this is the time to enjoy…having the time to watch the Shabbat candles burn all the way down.